Well, I have been putting off writing this for some time now. I don’t think, well actually, I KNOW that I was not ready to write this. Even now, I’m sitting here staring at the screen with a lump in my throat. But it’s time.
We are taking it back to March 2016. Derrick and I were in Disney. I was having some weird symptoms: nausea, dizziness, weird stomach pains, vomiting, etc. You get the picture. I was on birth control, but I had a feeling. I hadn’t really thought of trying for a baby yet. We had only been married 5 months and had a goal of waiting at least a year to start trying to get pregnant. On our trip home, we stopped into a store and I grabbed a test and ran to the bathroom. Of course, it was negative. We journeyed back home. I felt…empty. I didn’t understand it at first, but slowly this feeling of despair creeped through my body, cracking my foundation. In that car ride home, I knew that what I wanted most was to become a mom.
The next month, I started feeling weird again, so I decided to come off birth control to see if I was pregnant. I ended up going to the doctor and getting a blood test on a Friday morning, but they wouldn’t get any results from the lab until Monday morning. I got the call bright and early that it was negative. She seemed so happy on the phone, but I dropped to the ground, thanked her through gritted teeth, and cried.
And so begins the monthly breakdown. The time every month that my husband had to hold me tight so I didn’t break into a million pieces. The times where I didn’t know what I did wrong to deserve this kind of punishment. The times where I thought, “What is wrong with me?” If this sounds depressing, it’s because it was. Trust me. I didn’t WANT to feel that way. I wanted to let the disappointment roll off me. I pleaded with God to take away the hurt. I fought with God daily about it. It would go from pleading to shouting to reasoning. And while all of this was going on? Pregnancy announcements, maternity pictures, baby showers, and births. I was getting slapped in the face with it. Honestly? It felt personal. Obviously it wasn’t, but boy did it feel that way. Not only that, I would get the occasional, “It’s your turn next.” or “When are you going have one of these?!?” or the ever famous, “Just relax. You want it too much. Once you stop trying, you will have one!” Yeah, If you do this to young married couples, or anyone for that matter, please just stop right now.
(By the way, if you had a baby shower in the last year, and I didn’t attend, I am SO SORRY.)
Here recently, I have started to have a little bit of a different outlook on it. Instead of getting upset, or mad at these announcements, I have started trying to feel their joy. After all, I couldn’t blame them for their happiness. I wanted to, and I did for the longest time, but the real problem was me. I was stewing in anger and resentment while those around me were rejoicing. People were walking on eggshells protecting me from the dreaded “baby” word. I want to rejoice in these gifts, not spurn them. Now, when I hear about another baby being carried into the world, I take a moment and thank God. I take a moment to seek joy, even when I’m hurting. It seeps in and fills the cracks. It outshines the darkness of my heart. It heals.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 2-3
To everyone out there right now struggling with this, I know you are hurting. I know you are scared of the unknown. I know you are wondering, “Why not now, God?” I want you to know, It’s ok and it’s going to be ok in the end. I want you to have hope. I want you to believe in yourself and have an unending amount of trust in God. Be strong, but know that it is ok to hurt. Just don’t let that hurt control your life. I have to know that God will provide and that he will fulfill His promise to you. He has written your story. He has written you to become a mom. He wouldn’t put this desire in your heart if he didn’t plan on fulfilling that desire. Trust. Believe. HOPE. Never lose that hope, because once you do, you have lost faith. Once you lose faith, you are powerless because you cannot tackle this world on your own, no matter how hard you try. You will fail. Grab onto the robes of Jesus and hang on tight, because this will be one hell of a ride. I know you can do this. I know that God can do this. I know He will take care of you and love on you in your weak moments and champion you on in your strong ones.
Take heart, dear one. You are loved. You are taken care of. You are STRONG in Christ.